WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning display of bipartisan teamwork that lawmakers haven't shown since they collectively agreed to blame the other party, the United States Congress has passed the "Information Through Artistic Movement Act" (ITAMA), mandating that all news — from presidential addresses to weather reports — be delivered exclusively through interpretive dance.

The bill, which passed 412-23 in the House and 89-11 in the Senate, represents the most significant overhaul of public communication since the invention of the smoke signal.

"If you think the news is bad now, just wait until you see it performed to a modern jazz fusion soundtrack."

— Speaker of the House

"For too long, the American people have been subjected to boring press conferences," said Speaker of the House Marjorie Taylor Greene, who demonstrated the new protocol by interpreting the national debt through a series of increasingly panicked jazz squares.