While Kelly Osbourne graced Royal Ascot with a tastefully gothic, bat-shaped fascinator – a rather literal tribute to her father’s notorious snack preferences – the average New Yorker was just trying to get through rush hour without sharing a train car with something equally winged, far less fashionable, and actively trying to steal their dignity. Indeed, the concept of a 'bat accessory' in the five boroughs usually involves a frantic call to a landlord, not a stylist. We've got our own charming critters to contend with: rats the size of small dogs, pigeons that have mastered the art of dive-bombing your morning bagel, and the occasional opossum trying to pay rent in a dumpster. A bat hat might be *quaint* in England, but here, it’s just another Tuesday for the MTA, minus the diamonds. Perhaps next year, Kelly could truly honor Ozzy by wearing a pigeon-shaped fascinator made of discarded bodega coffee cups and a half-eaten hot dog. Now *that* would be a tribute truly understood by the city that never sleeps, but often dreams of better pest control.