BROOKLYN β€” The city is still reeling after billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk was spotted in a makeshift lab in a Gowanus basement, aggressively dismantling the iconic Duracell Bunny with a pair of rusty industrial pliers. His reason? A total, unhinged obsession with the fact that the little guy just "keeps on going."

Witnesses claim Musk had a whiteboard filled with chaotic scribbles about "Tesla-fying" the bunny's internal circuitry. He was shouting at the toy, demanding to know its secrets to eternal energy, while froth gathered at the corners of his mouth.

"It's a glitch in the simulation!"
"I don't care about market share," a frantic Musk reportedly yelled at the dismembered bunny, whose drum was still beating weakly on the workbench. "I care about physics! How does a pair of double-A batteries defy the laws of thermodynamics? It's not sustainable! It's a threat to my efficiency metrics!"

The Dissection: Sources say Musk managed to extract the Bunny's core, but instead of finding high-tech components, he found nothing but "pure, unadulterated annoyance" and a small note that read: Keep drumming, sucker.

The Reaction: Musk has reportedly ordered all Tesla engineers to stop working on self-driving cars and focus exclusively on "The Duracell Problem."

The NYC Angle: When a local bodega clerk tried to intervene, Musk reportedly tried to buy the store just to ban the sale of anything that "lasts and lasts."

"It's not just a battery, it's a conspiracy," Musk muttered as he tried to jam a high-voltage Supercharger cable into the toy's back, resulting in a small explosion that rattled the entire block.

Is this the end of the Duracell era, or just another day in the life of a billionaire losing his grip on reality? Keep it locked to deadass.onlineβ€”assuming our own servers don't spontaneously combust after reading this.